I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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