my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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