Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
