Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
