Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
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