just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
