Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
