just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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