I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
She bit a glass in half.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
