you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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