Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
