Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
