Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
