She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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