You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
