I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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