I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
