she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
