I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
