i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
