Since when is my name a synonym for head?
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
