I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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