I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
