Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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