ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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