you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
