My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
