Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
