My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
