My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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