Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
