Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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