meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
