I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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