well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
