Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
