you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
