So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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