You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
