how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Maybe he injected his testicle?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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