nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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