if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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