Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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