We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
