im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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