I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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