so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Swine flu is the new snow day.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
