Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Pants 0. Shit 1.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
