I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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