drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
