I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
