Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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