I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize