Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
