You just made me feel so damn special
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
