Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
