Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
