Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
