dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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