3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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