sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
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